Will I have the strength to do this? What happens if I fail? I don't want to leave my loved ones behind!
I can do this, I feel great already, all packed and ready to go...
These were the thoughts going around and around in my head last night as I retired to bed around midnight. When I make a decision to change something it always feels like I have a good and a bad angel sitting on my shoulder, one telling me one thing and vice versa!
Interestingly, my "last" cigarette was no big deal. I felt like I wanted a big band and lots of lights and fanfare about it being my last - but really - it wasn't necessary. The fanfare and big band were in my head - the only place that it counts.
This morning when I awoke, I "extra" savoured the snuggle time with Pete - I was really going to miss him. I went down to wake up Zac and had some snuggle time with him too. I'm so proud of Zac, 7 1/2 years old and so brave. I know he's worried about me leaving, he even tried to put it on me last week and I said "hang on, I need your support, not a guilt trip!" and to his credit he flipped his attitude right around and has been fantastic since. I have left 7 envelopes for Zac, a page with a special photo of him and I - a different one for every day, with a personal note to him, he's already opened the first one, and text me "excellent" when I asked what he thought of my letter!!
Pete and Zac buzzed around me this morning, I was focussed on finalising my suitcase - and then I realised they were on "butt duty" - cleaning up my car, the ashtry near my office at the front door, and the ashtray on our balcony - destroying any evidence that I smoked - AND removing any further temptation. Bless them!
Saying goodbye to "my boys" was really difficult, and for a moment I questioned myself again. But then with the words "I love you" and "go get em" I was off and the next chapter of my life is beginning. AND just as important a chapter of my life is now over.
My first stop was to have a healing/massage with my dear friend Boadie - she has the healing hands and works in a gorgeous little hut which is fitted out with a beautiful big massage table, candles and set in the most beautiful garden. It was a magical start to the journey.
A quick stop for some groceries and I was on the road again. Funny, ordinarily I would have smoked, hmmmm let's say 8 cigarettes from leaving home to arriving at my destination. I estimate by now, early evening, I would have smoked another 8-10 - is it possible I can feel the difference already? I think I can.
I was welcomed to my getaway in the rolling hills of Kongwak, Vic - unloaded my car, set up "house" and boiled the kettle. Mmmm, now would be time to have a cigarette - that thought went through my head quite a few times today. I made a cup of peppermint tea and sat outside - in the exact spot I would normally smoke - and read the paper in the sun. I've been chewing Extra chewing gum all day on and off and brushing my teeth - it feels so nice, all minty and sweet. But there is something missing - that taste, that feeling.,... Anyone who has smoked knows what I mean. Ok, next option, go for a sleep - I climbed into the huge big bed overlooking the rolling hills (photos tomorrow) and slept for 2 hours! That's un heard of for me, I hate afternoon sleeps - but I feel great, I passed the craving point, I feel better and I'm refreshed ready to see if Chrissie wins the logie!!!! GO CHRISSIE!!!!!!!!!!
Wow, this feels good, hard, but good. I am a quitter, I AM A QUITTER.... Jx